better get reading

Jane Goodall believes the only real difference between humans and apes is our sophisticated language. As scientists continue to teach chimps to become smarter, more intellectually proficient we as a society are regressing to a culture of digital emoticons and urban abbreviations. Its only a matter of time before we are culturally conditioned equals. 

imagining a life this beautiful

i love nature. when i was a little girl i would climb a huge apple tree adjacent to my dads tool shed and just sit up there for hours daydreaming; i would muse over ideas and significant people in my life. i remember i used to even bake little tea cakes for snacks so i could stay up there even longer. i hated when the light got dark. it meant i had to climb back down to reality. my parents always wondered where i had got off to when i would climb up in the tree because it was quite hidden from the house and a difficult one to get up. i would be so quiet when i was up there because i enjoyed thinking that they had no idea about my secret world up there.

been backpacking/camping around new zealand for two weeks now and i find myself taken aback by the sheer majesty of beauty that this island has to offer. some of the backdrops ive experienced in the south island are the most beautiful things ive seen in 27 years of my life. im also wondering how come it takes me to go all the way to new zealand to be inspired to see beauty!

i have always felt drawn to travel. when i was a kid my brother and i would pack bags as if we were going on a long journey and pretend that our backyard was a trek through different continents. i even would bake cakes and store them in an airtight container inside one of our backpacks in case we needed sustanence along the way. i remember gaining inspiration from the tv cartoon series "The lost cities of gold".

Anyway its hardly different now. As im packing my bags to go somewhere new, i find myself with the same eager anticipation that i did when i was faking it at 7 years old. i think i was so curious about my backyard at that point that over the years ive just continued to recreate that experience in my career. i remember my little heart beating as i convinced myself i was about to uncover a huge treasure near dads passionfruit plant. i think i was desperately wanting something new but content creating it in the same place. its sad to think that i never needed to leave my backyard because my imagination was enough as a child and now that ive gotten older i need to physically take myself away to believe i can be inspired? i dunno...

why do people forget the simple pleasure of seeing new things or things theyve already seen in new ways? how come its so easy to get disenchanted or numb to the beauty we know in our daily surroundings?

loving peanut butter and jam

Have you ever wondered where your little quirks come from? 

I was making myself toast tonight and i started thinking about my ongoing penchant for toast and really dug deep to discover its root. 

As a kid i would wake up at sunrise and hear my mother preparing her breakfast downstairs in the kitchen. We didnt spend much time together when i was in my school days but i just thought it was normal cuz i didnt know anything different. I remember we had this little game we used to play that she would quietly tiptoe into my room, scribble a quiz question (to improve my general aptitude) on a blackboard in my bedroom at about 6am every morning. She thought it would help me do better at school and achieve the highly coveted award of "teachers pet". Because she wanted that for me i wanted that too. I stressed about getting the answers to the questions right. I would anticipate the topics and had many sleepless nights when i got a question wrong.

I dont know why but i would always pretend to be asleep when she came into my room. I woke every morning to watch the sunrise (i was obsessed with watching the sun come up) I would wait till she left my room, skim over the quiz question and immediately rack my brain, write her back my carefully chosen response which she was to check when she got home from work late at night. Meanwhile she would be making toast downstairs and id hear her opening the cupboard to get the peanut butter and blackberry jam out to spread on it. The door would open and slam and i would hear her car engine start. It was at that point i would dash downstairs and sit alone in the empty kitchen, take in her leftover perfume (chanel 5), then begin about making the same thing for my breakfast.  I had a vision of her process and i would mimick it from the times i had seen her do it on weekends or days off. I loved this occasional memory of watching mum savor every bite of the peanut butter thickly spread and always thought she went a little heavy on the jam. It was one of the few memories i have of my mother enjoying the simple things. 

So to this day i still have this thing about toast. I love to make it. I love peanut butter and jam. I always buy blackberry jam just like my mother liked. And i eat really loudly savoring every bite just like i remember her doing so. I think it makes me feel really close to her. I run to it when i am stressed or feel lonely.

Isnt that funny how simple little quirks can remind us of our need for love? 

no more clever

I want to be perfect and i want to be loved. Who doesnt? I think the more you attempt to attain perfection the more it seems to slip away. Golf is one of my favorite sports. Because it is one where you have to practise the art of following through. The moment you think about what will happen after your club impacts the ball your body will attempt to control it and you will over direct the shot. The key is to practise good form in your swing and then allow your follow through to happen naturally. Easier said than done. I always trick myself into thinking i might be able to do something clever last minute that will ensure the "best drive ever". Ha. When i swing with this mentality i always swing poorly. I know plenty of "worst drives ever" that began with the best intentions. Its when i relax and just swing without the need to do something extra that i make good drives. Ugh how do you get your heart to do the same thing? How do you apply this theory when you're off the golf course? Is it ever possible to just surrender to a divine plan and let your heart just trust that its doing what it does and the right way? I want to know what things i do that hurt my hearts greatest opportunities. I want to know when im close to being on track and i want to feel home there.

Search me, Oh god, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way

dodging mind balls

I played dodgeball for the first time today. It was a riot! I have to admit there was some resistance to following through on a commitment to play. I hadnt met my team before, i didnt know the rules of the game and my knowledge of dodgeball consists of the movie about the game i watched over four years ago! So i was scared. 

There were a bunch of obstacles to making it to the game to increase my options of bailing out. First of all i was running late due to unexpected heavy traffic on the 405. Second I showed up at the location to meet my team members and no one was there. Third i didnt have my contacts phone number and had to rely on emails to communicate. However everything seemed to work itself out just fine for me to make it on time to the correct location without compromising our game. See if i hadnt shown up our team would have had to forfeit. And that was what kept my faith high that somehow, someway i would play dodgeball today.

What i wanted to talk about is not my experience of dodgeball. Its more that i want to share about an amazing breakthrough i had while playing today. I have always been a fairly competitive person when it comes to sport. Back in school i played almost every sport and did fairly ok. However i was never GREAT at any particular sport. I always wanted to be but really struggled with maintaining the psychology to bring my best to each game consistently and not choke when the stakes were high. You could say i would sabotage some of my greatest opportunities to succeed in sport - especially when it meant a lot to me. I was told by many coaches of my natural ability to excel. I had discipline and determination and a fighting spirit. However, whenever i would visualise the stakes during a game i would play my worst. 

My friend told me today that he plays his best when he enters with the attitude that "he doesnt care". I told him that was what i used to say. And thats pretty much been my approach to life. Ive been convinced for years that if i let go of the importance of a game, skill, relationship i wont be disappointed if i fail and i will exceed my own expectations. However about a year ago i realised this apathetic attitude wasnt getting me to the top. I was mediocre in every aspect of my life. Lukewarm. I would let go of any expectations to excel and compromise my opportunity to be the best. I dont think a master of any sport will ever impart the wisdom that a laissez faire attitude brings out your best game. In fact, most sports legends ive had the honor of quizzing on the topic have said their absolute "can do" attitude is what led them to their consistent best. 

So today i wanted to practise a little of this. See i was shit scared that i would make a fool out of myself in front of a whole bunch of fanatics. I hate losing secretly and i hate to suck at physical activities especially. I felt paralysed by my fear of not being able to understand or contribute to the game. I know it was just a dodgeball game but it wasnt that to me today. I had mentally turned it into an exercise in beating fear.  And wow what an exciting experience it was to just dive in and give myself the opportunity to explore if i really could do this. I decided that the game was in my life for a reason today and that there was a finite possibility i could do it well and could have a great game. I refused to believe any other conflicting message. 

I loved playing with this attitude. I did really well and even was one of the only people on my experienced team to attempt to catch a ball. My teammates seemed shocked at my spirit. I was shocked myself. I wont say that i am a natural dodgeball champion but i will say that i did much better than i thought was possible. And its because i really just believed that it could be possible. I believed that things i had no idea about doing i could do over and over and get better and better. I believed that i could with practise become a master and i wasnt afraid to invest myself in getting the practise to get me there. 

Enough anthony robbins for today...

But seriously... try it. Think that there is no reason why you cannot trust that it is possible for you to do really well no matter what setbacks lie ahead. You can rise above whenever challenge you are afraid. Everyone is meant to be great! 

magic markers

Help! Im back in Los Angeles. And i am scared to death of losing the happy go lucky glow that you acquire from being as far as possible from this place. City of Angels they call it. Well, from my experience they must be a bunch that fell into a deep well. Its hard to find some tangible evidence to support the idea that people are inherently good when you live here. 

Theres a Psalm in the bible that is shockingly accurate in description of the breed of fallen people attracted to life in LA; he who boasts of the cravings of his heart, he who blesses the greedy, is prideful and in all his thoughts has no room for a God. Isnt it funny that back when the bible was written there were evil people reigning who were just like that. Nothings changed. These are the kinds of people who think that nothing will ever cause trouble for them and they renounce accountability. 

I feel like i have chosen to live in a city where everyone gets given a free magic marker upon entry. You get to write whatever the fuck you want on the wall with the marker and then you get to erase it so other people who want to take a look at it see what you want them to see. And i guess if you dont believe in a God system of accountability then nothing you do can be something that bites you back in the long run. Since everyone mucks up in life im always hearing people use this as an excuse to say that since imperfection is inevitable why pretend otherwise and best ignore any effort to attain perfection. I think that is why everyone gets to publish, erase without guilt. Being spiritual equals a risk of condemnation. Who wants that? I think that is what gives birth to hedonism. 

I hate hedonism. Theres a point where you've done everything under the sun to run free from structure, free from pain, free from expectation and you just stop. What is the point of "getting happy" and maintaining your happiness through constantly seeking out a stream of pleasurable activities to quench your interest? When all the activities become boring and you run out of material things to get excited about whats next? I guess death. In the sense of identity. You're nothing but a mess of the same stuff as everyone else whos doing the same thing. Whats special about you? What exactly did you trade up for a plethora of quick fixes? 

I see the huge fork in the road in society right now and seems very clear that you can either submit to the culture of greed and gain maximum pleasure for your self out of this lifetime and hope to God (well if you believe in one) that it turns out in your favor once the lights go out or you can start looking at the big question of what happens in the end and what you need to do about it now. Keeping the end in mind has never been so present for me since moving to a city where you learn to live for today and forget tomorrow. I dont buy into the bullshit about staying in the present moment if you cant keep the eternal in mind while youre doing it. 

So back to the magic marker metaphor. I think that it would be nice to see a few more people in this town who bother to pen their existence on the wall for others to see. Im not the perfect example of someone who has done this in the past but im ready to at least do something about it because i havent really got anything else to live for than that. Do i? I think living without a reason is what hellish existence is. Maybe in the end, you get to sit in a room surrounded by big blank walls of all the things you did when you were alive that someone else greater than you erased with an even bigger magic eraser because none of the stuff you did when you lived counted...  

 

message in a bottle

Had a few reds tonight and feel like a yabber. How i wish i had logged every wish i made to jolly ol Santa or God or whatever bartering, wheeling and dealing i did on a daily basis! Ive been experiencing some childhood wishes come to fruition and although grateful for the blessing i cant say im feeling the same urgency or importance of the wishes i made back then now. I always believed that no matter what we wish or pray for, if we wish with pure intention, hard enough that it will be delivered. And i still believe this to be a truth. Would say i live by this strength in faith about what we pray for. I dont think we have any control over the timing or method of delivery but be assured it will be delivered.
I found old journals lying around in my childhood bedroom here in OZ. Almost everything i journaled nine yonker years ago has come into my reality by now. And that scares the living crap out of me! At the same time its so reassuring that during the dark times when we cant seem to understand why and how things work out the way they do that we can trust that somewhere theres a magic marker penning our deepest desires and making sure they do and can happen.
I was thinking that the tradition of writing a wish on a piece of paper and sending it off in a bottle to reach an unknown destination is really quite an effective ritual. I have never tried this to see if it works but think in theory the application of wishing/praying and then letting go can be quite effective.
Anyway today was a strange strange day and i just kept thinking how funny it is that we get so worried and stressed when things dont work out the way we want them to in the moment. That there is the possibility that timing has a lot to do with wish fulfillment and that in times of despair thats just really all thats needed to be remembered.